BASHING
Dear Katherine -
As a loyal reader for many, many years, I am pleased to report that I have enjoyed issues of the Astonisher, in its many versions, too numerous to count. That's why it hurts to have to send this e-mail. While I have entered the 21st century (albeit being dragged there kicking and screaming), I recognize there is still great value to the US Postal Service. To see you slander it ("the outdated mail service") on your website cuts me to the quick. Despite your liberal comment, the USPS is still the most efficient postal service in the world, and a great value at twice the price. After all, it was your newspaper's lifeline for many years. If not for the USPS, Elspee would not be traveling in her plush black limousine or wearing several hundred dollar shoes (does this mean her shoes are very, very costly, or she wears more than two, each costing $100, at a time?). Likewise, instead of writing from fancy offices with serene oak bookshelves and plasma TVs, you might be writing from your bedroom or basement. And worse than all of that, there might be no job for me! ;)
While I will continue to visit your website and read your blog, the truest happiness you can bring to me, and almost a dozen others, is the joy I experience when I open my mailbox and see your cleverly printed envelope. Not unlike Steve Martin in "The Jerk," I have been known to run back to the house calling out for everyone to hear "The new Astonisher is here, the new Astonisher is here!" Without the USPS, that memorable scene would not be possible. Please keep this in mind, the next time you are considering Postal Service bashing.
The best from all of our family to you and yours,
A loyal reader
Posted by ME
at 6:34 PM CST
irritated
sharp
Well, anyway here's the Magic Flute overture
on fire
lazy
Told ya that I would get a tumbleweed!